Life...As I will make it!

I am Chhavi Negi. I am 25 and like any other 25 year-old, I think the world is my oyster and like any other 25-year old, I think my best days are going by and I am not able to do anything. It is a weird feeling being 25. You just hit the quarter century and if you "plan" on to live a 100 years then one-fourth of your life is over before you even realized it.

 You start thinking "What do I want?" "What have I done till now!" "How do I get what I want"? And then starts the series of turbulent thoughts, the planning of what course to take now, the analysis of the options available, the TO-DO lists etcetra etcetra. But did you ever think that till school you didn't have much of a life, per se. It is mostly teachers, parents, tutors, principals, elder brother sisters to look forward to, who tell you what you should think and do. Till 18 you see the life from some one else's point of view.

You have to study cause your brother is in IIT and you are expected to carry on the family tradition!
You cannot have a night out at a friend's place if he is a guy cause, umm.... actually i haven't been able to understand this till date, why?
You cannot kiss a guy. What if you get preggers? :-o
You cannot talk about sex, cause hello! it is a hush hush subject as your parents think it is a taboo.

 And only when you come out of that shell, do you get to see the world through your eyes, form your own opinions, frame your own choices. And that's when my friend, the real life has begun for you, the life as you will choose it, the life as you will mould it.
You know you never wanted to get into IIT but into photography classes. And that's what you gonna do now.
You can stay at a guy's place cause you know he is a friend and it is okay to stay at a friend's place, boy or girl.
You have gained enough knowledge that kissing doesn't cause pregnancy.
And it is okay to talk about sex cause in a few years you are going to get married or get laid(in a crude way of saying it).

So technically speaking you have lived what, just seven years of your life!!! Out of which three to four went into college, when you were getting, ummm...what shall I say, trained for the life ahead. You have the whole life in front of you. And if you are "waiting" for your life to begin then you are the biggest fool on earth.

I am not here to find myself. How can I find a thing which is not even created yet? I am here to create myself.
And in the process of creating myself I don't wanna put some deadline in front of me that by 25 I should have a proper job. By 30 I should be married. By 33 I should have two kids. Gosh! It is my life for chrissake not some time bomb that I am sitting on. I can go to a college at the age of 28 if I want. Simply cause I want to.

"Simply paying the bills and living isn't sufficient"

I feel that my better days are coming ahead. I know I will be a Superstar in my own life. Life as I will make it! :)

And as the popstar Pink would say it:

"Made a wrong turn, once or twice. 

Dug my way out, blood and fire. 
Bad decisions, that's alright. 
Welcome to my silly life."

Requiem For A Relation...

I said this,
You said that.
I wanted a dog,
You wanted a cat.

I loved it on table,
You liked it on wall.
There could have been a zillion reasons,
That I didn't call.

I stared at the phone,
It stared back at me.
And when it rang,
I wish it was you, not Jesse.

You were two steps ahead,
I was two steps behind.
You were playing your guitar
And I was looking past the blinds.

The silence between us was pregnant.
I loved you but I didn't tell.
Why was it that always wrong words we'd blurt,
To break that magical spell.

I sit by my window thinking what it could have been,
If only our eyes met each other at the same time.
And the time flew away like a bee.
Now the lyrics of our song don't rhyme.

You didn't hear the unsaid words,
I didn't say the things that were necessary .
The only symphony that can now be heard,
Is the Requiem for a relation that was meant to be.

(For those who don't know, Requiem means any grand musical composition, performed in honor of a dead person)

A girl's first

You were hiding behind those glass walls,
Shying away from the crowd.
But my eyes caught you,
You were made for me, my heart understood.

Colors came into my world,
Red, yellow, green and blue.
You were a part of me no matter where I was,
I couldn't imagine anything so perfect could be true.

The path that I had to tread,
Was full of obstacle and stone,
You would protect me from being hurt.
Taking all my pain on your own.

Whenever there was a thorn in my way,
You wouldn't even let it touch me.
On my way you yourself were laid,
Not a tear in my eyes did you bring
.
You changed me from a little girl to a woman.
Charged me with grace,charisma and poise
Be it windy, hot or rain
The only constant in my life was your presence.

But now few years down the line
I feel that you have changed.
You no more save me from the snares
In fact you are causing me the pain.

We have shared so many memories together.
Good and old, which are now forgotten.
I don't know what to do now
Guess I , too, will have to "move on".

A girl can never forget her first.
It is always tough for her.
Till I find another one.
I will always love you, my slippers!

मेरा यार...

आज सूरज की किरणों ने पूछा, बोलो मुझसे क्या चाहते हो?

मैंने बोला बस आज कहीं तुम छुप जाओ,

मेरे यार को घर तो आने दो |

आज फूलों की बगिया ने पूछा, बोलो मुझसे क्या चाहते हो?

मैंने बोला बस आज तुम मुरझा जाओ,

मेरे यार की खुशबू आने दो |

आज सागर की लहरों ने पूछा, बोलो मुझसे क्या चाहते हो?

मैंने बोला बस आज लहरों को समेट  लो,

मेरे यार के निशाँ छूट जाने दो |

आज रंग बिरंगी तितलियों  ने पूछा ,  बोलो मुझसे क्या चाहते हो?

मैंने बोला बस आज तुम बेरंग हो जाओ,

मेरे यार के रंग घुल जाने दो |

आज चाँद की चांदनी ने पूछा. बोलो मुझसे क्या चाहते हो?

मैंने बोला बस आज तुम कहीं न जाओ,

मेरे यार का दीदार हो जाने दो |

आज पूछा उस खुदा की खुदाई ने, बोलो मुझसे क्या चाहते हो?

मैंने बोला बस आज की रात रुक जाओ,

मेरे यार की तस्वीर दिल में समाने दो |

And then i moved on...

India was partitioning. I was six years old then. People were thoughtlessly boarding and deboarding the trains without a single clue of where they were heading to. It looked as if they were a herd or cattle driven by an invisible intimidating force. We were going to Mumbai from Lahore. Suddenly a group of people carrying swords in their hands came and started using it recklessly on the maddening crowd. I lost my father then. My father was a nice man. He used to say to me, "Beta, always follow the path of truth and principles." Everybody told me to forget the incident and get over it.
And I moved on...

Few years later, my brother was fighting the Indo-Pak war, combating the intruders. One day I received a letter that said that my brother had become a martyr fighting the war. He received Param Vir Chakra posthumously. Consolation letters started to flow in from everywhere. Life doesn't end here they said to me.
So still I moved on...

Today i stand in midst of rubble, blood and corpses. Few hours ago, I received a telephone call. I was playing with my three year old grandsons. They are twins, beautiful kids. My nephew was on the other end. He told me that there have been blasts in Mumbai local train and if everything was okay. Everything was not okay. My son was travelling in one of the trains.
And now the blood-stained body of my son lies in my arms, lifeless. Blood trickles down from the forehead to  the ear and finally onto my fingers. I wiped it with my shirt sleeve. He is looking so disturbed, as if wanting to ask "What just happened?"

People are running, crying, shouting at the top of their lungs. My ears are filled with deafening shrieks yet it seems everything is mute. My legs want to get up but it seems there is a lot of load that they won't be able to carry. My eyes want to cry but they are dry. Somebody is trying to say something to me but it can't reach me. Looks like as if they are still asking me to move on.
But now I will STOP...I will not MOVE ON!

Ever since I was a child I was encouraged to not let anything stop me. I lost a father in partition, a brother in war, a son in terrorist attack. Was it my fault or theirs that the partition happened or the war happened or the attack happened? Somebody on the top decides that the country will be divided or we will fight a war and we just comply. Year after year wounds were inflicted on me in the form of these things but I stood still but now my limbs are giving way. They can't take the burden anymore and even if they can I won't let them. Time has come when I stop and start asking questions that why are we bearing the consequences of partitions till now? Why is it that it is we who face the partitions, wars, famines, attacks and they sit at their homes all cozy and at peace? When we moved on after the last terrorist attack, we were appreciated that we did not let the so-called "Mumbai-spirit" die, but what was done after that?

My moving on has become the excuse for leaving behind the past. I moved on but the government is still there where it was at the time of independence. IGNORANT. Of us, the aam janta. For me each memory is still fresh and will always be. What I went through, I will not let my grandchildren go through the same. I won't move on any more but will stop and snap back.

"I Rise"

Year I am!

I woke up on 1st of January, 2011. The head was a bit hung up in the morning cause of the late night party i had with my friends(before you start thinking something else, it was strictly no booze). We danced like mad that night and played cards and slept in the wee hours and then i had to get up early in the morning cause i was "working" that day. Yea, it sucks working on Jan 1st...


The pain in my head didn't let me work for the most part of the day, so there in my office cabin, i just did what I am best at, pretended to work.At night i sat at the edge of bed near the window, the moonlight washed my floor. I stared at the moon. Both of us were sleepless. It always accompanied me on those sleepless nights of mine. And we understand each other's silence completely.

Suddenly this urge came. I picked up my diary and started writing..anything and everything that came to my mind. It took me to a flashback.

To the day when i was enjoying new year's eve with my sis and a friend. We partied that day too, went out, ordered pizza, cut a cake.

I didn't know what was in store for me in the year. Now I do. Now that I have been there, done that.

I always believe, at the cost of sounding stupid, that what we do on the first day of the year, we do throughout the year. Well, it turned out it was true in my case. :)

I worked on the first day of the year and I kept working throughout the year. I fought with one of my best friend and we have never quite bounced back since. The health was not so good and I had a minor surgery. I got through a decent MBA college and didn't join.

Quite a handful happened throughtout the year. In one word, it was TAXING, exhaustive, and drained me physically, emotionally, psychologically in my personal as well as professional life.

If I look at it in one way, then may be everything happened for good. That if I worked so hard professionally, then it is gonna be a paving way for my career. If I had a surgery then it is going to help me in the long run. If the relation with my best friend did not smoothen, then it is best we are apart cause may be in future it may have caused bitterness in relations and we would have become intolerable for each other. If I didn't join that college, then may be I am meant for something better. Hence whatever happened was for the best and was perfect.

But if I see on the other hand, then may be, that if I worked soooo hard, I lost on so many things in the process, the things that i overlooked and will never come back. What if I die tomorrow?? I am not gonna count the number of days I worked but the days I was there with people I loved, the days I did the things that made me and my people happy.
Also may be I had this surgery and it was not a good thing to do at such an early age. And may be that I lost my best friend and noone can replace the person. And that I will keep missing "us" for the rest of my life.
May be this MBA college was my last chance of getting into a college and after this I won't get a better chance at a better college.
Hence whatever happened has changed the course of my life and who knows, not for good at all!

So 2010 was either a terrific year for me or the worst that could ever be. It is just how I look at it and also how it turns out to be in the long run. Cause time is the only solution to everything. But what I know is that by the time Dec 31st 2010 came, I wanted the year to be over and out as soon as possible. I did not have any more courage to take things, rather bear things. It wasn't an easy year. Life is sooo weird at times and so perfect at the other..Ces't la vie!

"Memory is a wonderful thing if you don't have to deal with the past."

I just wanna have wonderful memories. Will have to leave the past behind for that in the last year.
No baggage of the past should be carried this year. I need to be revitalized for all the unpredictability life holds in 2011. Till then Peace out!!! (Y)

A lot like love- Part 2

"Iris, where are you?? I have called like a zillion times and you haven't returned my calls. All okay? It's not fun talking to your answering machine all the time you see. It was fun when we did it for the first time but not anymore. Call me sweet heart." Click. Clint had kept the phone. The other end went silent, just like this end of the phone where I sit, staring at one of the greatest inventions of human being. Oh! Did I introduce myself? I am Iris and Clint is my boyfriend. We were in the same college. He proposed to me once but I had declined, like I have declined all the boys who came to me. But when i was leaving college, no infact when i was leaving Illinois, I said yes to him. He was moving to Ohio and so was I. It's been a year since i left Illinois. I have taken up a job here as an assistant in an advertising firm. Colors, creativity, nature they all make me go berserk. I am a mad person by the way. Noone can make out what would be my next step. But then that's what i like about life- its unpredictability. And I have the best job in the world.

And here I am sitting by my window, after having ignored the 40th call from Clint in the day. Outside i can hear the pit patting of rain drops that strike my window sill and have made me a bit wet. I love rains. My mind shifts from the smell of the wet soil to the perpetual question of my life lately...Why have i ignored calls from Clint? I don't know. But i just don't wanna pick it. Clint- cool, handsome, suave, sophisticated. He could easily be the prince charming of any girl's dream. I still remember how he proposed to me. To be honest i was a bit floored. Then what is the problem now? Strange!

The phone rings again. Ahhhh!!! not again...I hate doing this to him. But it is not him this time. It is Sam. I was up on my feet in a split second and pounced on the phone like a hungry cat. Sam had called me after a year. I had been calling him for six months after which i had stopped cause he never called me back. "Sammyyyyy!!!!!!! You dawwggg!! I missed you soooo much...When i needed my friend the most, he was not there..ugghhh!!" and then I kept talking to him for eight straight hours, he just listened. It was as if a volcano was waiting inside me to erupt. And by the time I kept my banana shaped phone down, my mind was lighter. Or was it? I know this might have made me feel good for sometime, the bigger problem is still unsolved and only I can solve it. The easiest way to solve any problem is to understand the problem completely, that's like half the job done. If we keep asking wrong questions then how will we get the right answers so one should start by asking the right question first. But when it comes to heart do we really know what is right and what is wrong. We just know what we know and no amount of rocket science can solve the problem of a thing that weighs as light as 10 ounces.

Oh! I forgot to tell you about Sam or Sammy as i fondly call him. He is my best friend, no infact he is my bestest friend. I met him for the first time in 3rd grade. He was a shy guy, sitting on the cornermost seat of the first bench. I happened to be the most talkative girl in class. So one day, this teacher got really pissed at me and made me sit on the first bench beside Sam. On the very first day, I hid his books in the closet. He had seen me doing that but didn't complain to the teacher. A week after that I was going home when few dogs ran after my bicycle. Sammy was going from the same way. That day he saved me from those wretched animals and we became best friends since then, unseparable.

We went to same college. We used to share each and everything with each other. When i used to go nuts about anything he used to bring my sanity back. When i used to find myself messed up from all directions he used to find a way out for me. I am careless partly cause of him. I did not have to care for anything when he was around. We fought innumerable times, mostly my fault, in fact always my fault, but it was Sam who used to come up and resolve things always, without fail. He taught me how to be patient, how to be forgiving, how to be me all the time. When there were people all around who were critcizing me, hating me, finding me to be arrogant and a narcississtic bitch he was the one who brought my confidence back in me and made me realize how special I am and encouraged me to be me no matter what anyone said. He's like the one person in my life who was sent to me by God. My best friend.

But wait, there is one thing and only one thing ever that I haven't even told Sam, my only secret. That underneath all this friendship, sharing, caring, there is a heart of a little girl who remembers vividly the face of a brave, undaunted and formidable figure of a 8 year old boy. That one day, when she was surrounded by those ravine dogs and her bicycle was broken and her knees were bleeding profusely, her knight in shining armor came and saved her from

those beasts. My mother used to read fairy tales to me during bedtime. At that time I had pictured scenes for my classic fairy tale that i am in distress captivated by a beast and a prince came from nowhere, kills the beast and sweeps me off the ground to the back of his horse and rides away to the moon.. It seemed my prince was standing right in front of me. I fell in love at that moment, whatever the word love could mean to an 8 year old then.

All this while several boys came upto me, said the most romantic and the cheesiest lines they could come up with but I always declined. Because I knew where my heart was. And the heart wants what the heart wants. But at times there are a few things which go on perfectly fine all the way but if it is not meant to be, it won't be, no matter how much the universe conspires. This is one of those things i guess. I could never tell Sam about how i felt, he was too precious a person to be lost. I could not imagine my life without him. I still remember when my parents got divorced when i was 15, he was the one who was there for me all the time. How can I forget those breakfasts and lunch boxes he used to bring me from his home cause he knew i hadn't eaten last night. That was the most painful time of my life second only to separating from Sam last year. I stayed with my mother who remarried and I could never look at her again in the same way I used to. We grew distant and more distant in our relationship. At that time Sam was like a father, a mother, a sibling, a friend, everything. He could don the robe of any relationship so easily. After this how could i ever accept the proposal from another guy!

College finished and feeling were getting more and more intense for Sam. I knew what i had to do then. I had to part from him for sometime if at all I wanted to maintain my relation with Sam. I made the excuse of my parents getting transferred to Ohio and of taking admission to Ohio State university and came here. My parents are in the same city but I don't live them, neither did I join the master's course. Clint was just a way to distract myself from Sam. I know I used him but I had to, to get back to my normal self. In fact i thought may be things would work out between us someday, but that some day never came, not even after a year. I still remember the day when I called Sam at 2 am in the morning. That was the last time i saw him. I had to tell him about Clint and moving to Ohio. I had a feeling that he wasn't even listening to what I was saying that day but then may be he was busy with his stuff as he was taking admissions for his MS in Illinois(that's one of the best in the country). When I had finished telling him the whole thing, he just smiled and went away without saying much, just a good bye. It hurt me then. It is hurting me now. I just wish he had said something to me then, a few words, those three words, any words. I wished he had just stopped me from going and asked me to stay..If only he had said Iris, don't go...If only....but he didn't. and I went away.

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because it was he, because it was I.