A lot like love- Part 2

"Iris, where are you?? I have called like a zillion times and you haven't returned my calls. All okay? It's not fun talking to your answering machine all the time you see. It was fun when we did it for the first time but not anymore. Call me sweet heart." Click. Clint had kept the phone. The other end went silent, just like this end of the phone where I sit, staring at one of the greatest inventions of human being. Oh! Did I introduce myself? I am Iris and Clint is my boyfriend. We were in the same college. He proposed to me once but I had declined, like I have declined all the boys who came to me. But when i was leaving college, no infact when i was leaving Illinois, I said yes to him. He was moving to Ohio and so was I. It's been a year since i left Illinois. I have taken up a job here as an assistant in an advertising firm. Colors, creativity, nature they all make me go berserk. I am a mad person by the way. Noone can make out what would be my next step. But then that's what i like about life- its unpredictability. And I have the best job in the world.

And here I am sitting by my window, after having ignored the 40th call from Clint in the day. Outside i can hear the pit patting of rain drops that strike my window sill and have made me a bit wet. I love rains. My mind shifts from the smell of the wet soil to the perpetual question of my life lately...Why have i ignored calls from Clint? I don't know. But i just don't wanna pick it. Clint- cool, handsome, suave, sophisticated. He could easily be the prince charming of any girl's dream. I still remember how he proposed to me. To be honest i was a bit floored. Then what is the problem now? Strange!

The phone rings again. Ahhhh!!! not again...I hate doing this to him. But it is not him this time. It is Sam. I was up on my feet in a split second and pounced on the phone like a hungry cat. Sam had called me after a year. I had been calling him for six months after which i had stopped cause he never called me back. "Sammyyyyy!!!!!!! You dawwggg!! I missed you soooo much...When i needed my friend the most, he was not there..ugghhh!!" and then I kept talking to him for eight straight hours, he just listened. It was as if a volcano was waiting inside me to erupt. And by the time I kept my banana shaped phone down, my mind was lighter. Or was it? I know this might have made me feel good for sometime, the bigger problem is still unsolved and only I can solve it. The easiest way to solve any problem is to understand the problem completely, that's like half the job done. If we keep asking wrong questions then how will we get the right answers so one should start by asking the right question first. But when it comes to heart do we really know what is right and what is wrong. We just know what we know and no amount of rocket science can solve the problem of a thing that weighs as light as 10 ounces.

Oh! I forgot to tell you about Sam or Sammy as i fondly call him. He is my best friend, no infact he is my bestest friend. I met him for the first time in 3rd grade. He was a shy guy, sitting on the cornermost seat of the first bench. I happened to be the most talkative girl in class. So one day, this teacher got really pissed at me and made me sit on the first bench beside Sam. On the very first day, I hid his books in the closet. He had seen me doing that but didn't complain to the teacher. A week after that I was going home when few dogs ran after my bicycle. Sammy was going from the same way. That day he saved me from those wretched animals and we became best friends since then, unseparable.

We went to same college. We used to share each and everything with each other. When i used to go nuts about anything he used to bring my sanity back. When i used to find myself messed up from all directions he used to find a way out for me. I am careless partly cause of him. I did not have to care for anything when he was around. We fought innumerable times, mostly my fault, in fact always my fault, but it was Sam who used to come up and resolve things always, without fail. He taught me how to be patient, how to be forgiving, how to be me all the time. When there were people all around who were critcizing me, hating me, finding me to be arrogant and a narcississtic bitch he was the one who brought my confidence back in me and made me realize how special I am and encouraged me to be me no matter what anyone said. He's like the one person in my life who was sent to me by God. My best friend.

But wait, there is one thing and only one thing ever that I haven't even told Sam, my only secret. That underneath all this friendship, sharing, caring, there is a heart of a little girl who remembers vividly the face of a brave, undaunted and formidable figure of a 8 year old boy. That one day, when she was surrounded by those ravine dogs and her bicycle was broken and her knees were bleeding profusely, her knight in shining armor came and saved her from

those beasts. My mother used to read fairy tales to me during bedtime. At that time I had pictured scenes for my classic fairy tale that i am in distress captivated by a beast and a prince came from nowhere, kills the beast and sweeps me off the ground to the back of his horse and rides away to the moon.. It seemed my prince was standing right in front of me. I fell in love at that moment, whatever the word love could mean to an 8 year old then.

All this while several boys came upto me, said the most romantic and the cheesiest lines they could come up with but I always declined. Because I knew where my heart was. And the heart wants what the heart wants. But at times there are a few things which go on perfectly fine all the way but if it is not meant to be, it won't be, no matter how much the universe conspires. This is one of those things i guess. I could never tell Sam about how i felt, he was too precious a person to be lost. I could not imagine my life without him. I still remember when my parents got divorced when i was 15, he was the one who was there for me all the time. How can I forget those breakfasts and lunch boxes he used to bring me from his home cause he knew i hadn't eaten last night. That was the most painful time of my life second only to separating from Sam last year. I stayed with my mother who remarried and I could never look at her again in the same way I used to. We grew distant and more distant in our relationship. At that time Sam was like a father, a mother, a sibling, a friend, everything. He could don the robe of any relationship so easily. After this how could i ever accept the proposal from another guy!

College finished and feeling were getting more and more intense for Sam. I knew what i had to do then. I had to part from him for sometime if at all I wanted to maintain my relation with Sam. I made the excuse of my parents getting transferred to Ohio and of taking admission to Ohio State university and came here. My parents are in the same city but I don't live them, neither did I join the master's course. Clint was just a way to distract myself from Sam. I know I used him but I had to, to get back to my normal self. In fact i thought may be things would work out between us someday, but that some day never came, not even after a year. I still remember the day when I called Sam at 2 am in the morning. That was the last time i saw him. I had to tell him about Clint and moving to Ohio. I had a feeling that he wasn't even listening to what I was saying that day but then may be he was busy with his stuff as he was taking admissions for his MS in Illinois(that's one of the best in the country). When I had finished telling him the whole thing, he just smiled and went away without saying much, just a good bye. It hurt me then. It is hurting me now. I just wish he had said something to me then, a few words, those three words, any words. I wished he had just stopped me from going and asked me to stay..If only he had said Iris, don't go...If only....but he didn't. and I went away.

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because it was he, because it was I.

A lot like love-Part 1

"You don't just stop loving someone, either you never did or you always will"

"Hey Iris! You look so pretty today. Whatsay lady wanna hang out???" Iris looked through the side of her eye, gave a mockish grin and went past. She couldn't understand these guys who would just come by, say some of the cheesiest lines ever and on top wait for a response. I mean what are they thinking, for Pete's sake! Iris never dates guys like these. (Probably that is why she never dated a guy :P ). Jeeeee...Seems God is running out of good guys in his factory. Anyways, she's waiting for her perfect guy like every teenage girl does. Her knight in a shining armor. Her frog, who when she kisses will turn into a prince. She has full trust that he is gonna come one day to sweep her off her feet.

And I am Sam. I have secretely liked Iris since 9th grade but could never tell her. I am her best friend since 3rd grade. I know her inside out. Iris may seem arrogant to people at times, in fact most of the times, but I know her, the way she is. She loves kids and she loves rain. Once she was dancing in rain with these small kids from nearby area. I dont know what they were playing in that mud, but you should have seen the look on her face then. She smiled like a 5 year old and danced like a two year old, jumping, hopping and splashing in the mud. All soaked up in mud, I loved her even then, in fact even more.

Iris tells me everything, how she fought with this girl in class who was sitting on her friend's seat, how she put rat inside the teacher's purse cause she was the most irritating person on earth or how she again rejected one more guy who proposed her. She would give me each and every detail, what the guy was like, how he proposed her and how once she was about to say yes to a guy only because she loved the way that guy had proposed. That darn ass took her to a moon lit garden(she loves nature), lighted the place with small bulbs and lighted a text that said "Please be the light of my life". His name was Clint. It almost killed me then. Screw you Clint!

But how could I tell her? She was my best friend. I would lose her if she didn't reciprocate my love. But then she's the only girl I ever loved and she will always be. Time was passing by. Soon we were out of college. I still couldn't tell her.
One day, Iris called me at 2 am in the morning to her house. This is not unusual for us but what could it be this time, i was wondering? She was in her jammies and I swear to God she had never looked prettier than this. The only thing I wanted to do right now was to brush her lips against mine to seal my love for her with that kiss. She was there. The only thing I ever wanted in life. I could make a house for her in the mountains or may be a valley with a lake by the side, just the way she always wanted it to be. I could stay there forever if only she would wake up by my side each morning, her face would be the first thing i see and I wake her up with a kiss on her nose. Her smile would be my sunshine everyday. She was perfect. She was beautiful, she was funny, she was fun to be with, she had a golden heart. And i want her. Oh! I want her so bad.

"Oouuuccchhhhh! Iris what are you doing???" I snapped. "Well you daawwwggg, I have been blabbering since last ten minutes. Did you even hear single word i said??? Grrrrrr....". And i realized that i didn't, I could see her lips moving and smiling, her eyes bulging and squinting, her hands waving and resting. But how could I concentrate, I wanted to kiss those lips, I wanted to look into those eyes forever, I wanted to hold those hands for the rest of my life! "Yeah, I know what you were saying, hon!!" "Oh really! Can you please repeat the last sentence I said, Sammy?" "Of course, I can. You were telling me about this cute pup you saw today by the sidewalk. Jeee!!! Why would you call me at 2 in the morning to talk about a pup Iris, unless you brought him here!!!" She could do it, she's the most unpredictable girl i have ever known and I started looking for the pet. "Aahhhhh!!! I knew it. You weren't listening. I called you to share about two things here. One good and one bad!" "Really?? The bad one first." "My father is transferred to Ohio. I am going next week. I cannot imagine living without you sweets, without talking to you. But you don't worry, I'll write you everyday. We'll chat everyday, promise." I have heard people saying stuff like things getting blacked out in front of their eyes but I had never experienced it. I always thought they were exagerrating. But somehow, I wasn't able to see Iris then, she had faded. She flicked me again. "Ok! Now the time for good news. Guess what! I am dating Clint. Can you imagine!!! Hahaha..." It seemed like somebody had dropped me from a cliff. I was free falling into nowhere, just waiting to hit a hard landing and die. The news weren't good and bad, they were worse and worst. Oh Iris! Please don't go, don't go. From this place and from my heart. I have always loved you. I have already dreamt of our wedding together, you wearing that beautiful white gown which looks even more beautiful cause you are wearing it, you walkin down the aisle coming towards me. I have imagined that we go to Paris like you always wanted to do, go skydiving, hitch hiking, to the Himalayas. Just you and me. Around the world. Like you always wanted to go. We will adopt kids like you always used to say you are gonna do. Please please please stay. And the words still didn't come out.
And she was gone! I couldn't keep my mind off her for even one second. She had become like a part of my body that i was missing now and without which i was feeling handicapped....

I wanna Live my Life once but Live it a Million bucks!

Recently a friend texted me. His message was about the small stuff that should be done in one's lifetime which we generally overlook while taking care of more "important" stuff. It was about going out and living life once but living it a million bucks!!! The jar of life is not filled with the help of big stones but the small grains of sand that reach where even big stones can't. Running behind big achievements consumed almost 60% of my life. Racing out there, with school mates, then collegemates and then job mates and if no one was there then with myself! No time to sit back and enjoy a coffee with no tension of tomorrow or Mondays. Out of the remaining 40%, 30 % went in worrying about achieving those things. Making all the calculations, estimations, above all, manipulations to get it and the remaining 10% in living for myself. A mere 10%!!! I contemplated and realized it was unfair to me, by me. I was denying myself the right to live my own life. That's like a crime!
Then I thought of developing a TO-DO list for myself, taking cues from what my friend texted me and thinking some on my own after a few moments of retrospection. Here's what I came up with. So far it's 50. I have written check in front of those that are already done and those which still need to be done are empty. Also cancelled "Nothing" from my TO-DO list!

1. Take chances! { CHECK }
2. Tell the truth in an awkward situation. { CHECK}
3. Date someone totally WRONG for you! <> {CHECK}
4. Learn to say NO! { CHECK }
5. Spend all your money on things you like to do. <> {CHECK}
6. Fall in LOVE! <>{CHECK}
7. Feel a first KISS! <> {CHECK}
8. Get to know someone random! { CHECK }
9. Say I LOVE YOU to someone in life. <>{CHECK}
10. Be MEAN! {CHECK}
11. Make fun of people. { CHECK }
12. Sing out loud a rock number. { CHECK}     <>(have been booed by a bigg audience twice for singing ;))
13. Laugh at a stupid joke! { CHECK } (big time PJs fan)
14. Cry while watching a movie! {CHECK}
15. Take revenge! (If screwing a friend's ass for fun in retaliation means taking revenge then { CHECK } )
16. Apologize! { CHECK }
17. Laugh when you fall! { CHECK }
18. Get into a fight. { CHECK }
19. Tell someone how much they mean to you. {CHECK}
20. Tell the idiot how he/she hurt you. <> {CHECK}
21. Let someone know what they are missing. {CHECK}
22. Abuse someone who deserves it. { CHECK }
23. Sit alone and just watch the rain fall. { CHECK }(One of the things I love to do)
24. Laugh till your stomach hurts. { CHECK }
25. Dance even if you suck at it. { CHECK } (I am pretty good at it! :D)
26. Pose stupidly for pictures. { CHECK }(Can pose more stupidly)
27. Give someone a hug when he/she needs it. { CHECK }
28. Make sure you get one when you do. { CHECK }
29. Act like a kid. { CHECK }(All the time! Even my boss is pissed cause of this ;))
30. Jump up and down just like that. { CHECK }
31. Hit a guy hard on face in frenzy. <> (So very much wanna do. comeon guys! Be a sport)
32. Pierce my nose and colour part of my hair red! {CHECK}
33. Make someone smile. { CHECK }
34. Help someone you have never known before, in your first meet. { CHECK }
35. Dance in the rain. { CHECK }
36. Tell some creepy fellow you have known for sometime, who has been bugging you and you had been tolerating him/her, on the face that you would smash his/her face next time he/she bugs you. { CHECK }
37. Sleep all day, that means 24 hours!!! <> (16 hours so far!)
38. Be late to catch a plane/train. <> {CHECK}
39. Pack your bag and go out of your house not knowing where you have to go next and return not before a week at least. <> (One of the topmost things on my list)
40. Do a somersault. <> (Wishful thinking!)
41. Get drunk..and drunk bad...totally out. {CHECK ;)}
42. See a snowfall. <>
43. Whistle when a handsome hunk you don't know, passes by. <>
44. Tell your mum and dad everything you feel for them. <>
45. Go out camping for night. <>
46. Propose a guy. <> {CHECK}
47. Meet Sachin Tendulkar. <> (Another on Top most priority)
48. Ride a geared bike. <> {CHECK}
49. Audition for Roadies! ;) <> (Removing this as Roadies has become one crappy show)
50. For once do something without thinking at all, that just came in your mind and you would not have done it under normal circumstances. <> (Wanna do it all the time!)
51. Have to take a long trip to anywhere in India this year.
52. Get a body art.
53. Learn swimming.{CHECK}
54. Learn driving.{CHECK}
55. Learn a musical instrument(Guitar, of course).


So far doing bad!
This list might keep growing as and when I grow up and see more of life and realize there are more small small things that need to be done. I will keep writing check in front of the things as soon as I have done them. This is meant for my personal perusal. I am putting it in a public place so that I don't forget it and take it lightly too for that matter. This way there's a deadline on head and the deadline is LIFETIME!!! ;)
One thing that this list has taught me today is that it's easier doing things this way by making lists and keeping notes. I am a kindda person who will never make a TO-DO list till her grave. But this is a special TO-DO list then. It's not meant for the professional tasks I have at hand for the month or the personal list of tasks that I have to complete by the end of this week, else there won't be electricity or may be water or internet or may be even food cooked by mum cause she'll be highly annoyed. It's meant to live the occasion called LIFE :)

I am Iris!

"Iris, where have you been lately?" asked a friend of mine who is at the other end of the phone. I don't have words. What I want is this conversation to be over asap. Although I ain't no soul that goes by social protocols or something but this time i somehow felt thats its good to be good. So i held on. I replied "Bas aise hi yaar. You say!" making futile attempts to throw the ball in his court. "I have told you everything about me in past one hour. What i am more interested in is to know what you have been upto lately?". Now, I can't take it any more."Hey, mum is calling for dinner. Gotta go." It's 7:30 in the evening and I realized that's a lame excuse but I just blurted it out without thinking. "So early!!!" "Well, yeah! Winters setting in, so dinner early these days. I'll catch ya later. Take care." And I hung up the phone. Held onto the dial for sometime and then let it go. After all it's just a non-living thing.

I had my dinner by 9 and got into my room by 10:30. I like it here. Just me. Noone else. My bed, which is my "spot" as Sheldon says it in the big bang theory. My laptop which has become the only constant in my life these days, without which I cannot imagine my life now, call me an addict if you want. My fav doll and the only doll I ever liked in my life, I call it Suz. And yeah my diary! My outlet, my punching bag, my best friend. Its a one sided friendship. It knows everything about me that noone knows and noone ever will. Thats why I put a lock on it.

I am not the kind of a person which shows up in the above few lines. I am chirpy, I am loud, I am fun. People love hanging out with Iris. I have a gazillion friends and some of them really close. But there is part of me which is mine just mine. Nobody else has any right over it, so far. I make friends with people, get really close. They love me, I love them. It's good till here. Then it starts getting creepy. They start getting too close, making me a part of their life, their being, their thoughts. They want them to be heard always, taken care of with their problems. Like I am a punching bag or something. It all goes wrong here, messy. At times I wanna be heard too, expect a solution to my lil problems. So I become "selfish". And then I start eluding them. And then they start taking notice of me but I have moved on.

"Iris is ruthless, she's selfish, she's bitchy and yeah! of course she's narcissistic. Don't know what she thinks of herself to be." I hear it all the time. All fault is mine. I get in touch with people, make them feel good and heard, at times so much so that I forget myself and get totally invloved in their problems, lives, situations, all this being done with honest intentions of helping them. But I guess I don't know where to draw the line. I am a person of few words. I expect people not to understand what I say but to understand what I don't. And they don't understand it. May be that's like expecting too much. And it all starts there. Expectations! They also start expecting to me be always there for them, to listen to them. When I start thinking about myself and not give them that amount of time then I become this "bitch" who is selfish, demeaning and mean!

And yes, I love myself. What's the deal in that. It's good to love yourself, who you are. Why being ashamed of what you are and what you did? It's a part of you. If you say you are not in love with yourself then probably you are cheating yourself into this illusion. You love yourself more than anyone else!

There is no problem in being alone out here as long as I know that at least I am honest to myself. But yes, it would be great to share a piece of me effortlessly, that so far is completely in my possession. Someone with whom I can talk over the phone endlessly without having track of time, with whom I don't have to think about what I am saying. Someone who understands not what I say but what I don't say. A friend!

Till then, Iris is this "self-obsessed" gal who controls the amount of the light(read people) that enters her life.

Eyes...

When I looked into those fiery red eyes,

In my mind a picture of violence took birth.

Where love, sanctity and compassion are defied,

Regretting why they were born on this earth.

When I looked into those dark green eyes,

They asked why the earth is so brown in hue.

I told them gone are the days when men tried

We are now left with blood-sucking parasites.

When I looked into those deep blue eyes,

I knew then how I wanted the world to be.

Like the colour of eyes where innocence lies

Of all the pain, a mind set free.

Every night in the prayers of these eyes, the question remains

‘Why did you make life so full of pain?’

I love these eyes and want to pacify

But what can I say when on this cruel earth, I myself was crucified.

The earth is deteriorating of which I once was so proud.

Gradually it’s covering in doom’s shroud.

Heal the world to make it a better place

For these innocent eyes and the entire Universe.

For, these are the angel eyes of beautiful children… and I am their GOD!
Chhavi Negi

Rain Rain Go Away!!!

"Chhavi...come on!!! Its time..." The words seemed distant but they were coming from somewhere very close. I was trying hard to figure out that they were of whom but they seem to lose me and then suddenly....Trrrrriiiiinnnggg!!!!!! "Whoa!!!!! What had happened???" I startled. "Its the alarm, baby. Wake up. You have a class in 2 hours", my mum said, with a glee in her tone(She loves waking me up early, its like God has granted her only wish). "Nooo..I hate this." I murmered a few swear words(my morning started with that) and got off my bed relunctantly. It looked rainy but it was not pouring. Again a swear word came out. "Rainy day is supposed to be a holiday", came a wishful thinking, but it was not even raining. It reminded me of the time when as a kid, I used to go to school. On a rainy day my mum would say "Skip school today, roads would be clogged." But that was the only day when i wanted to go to school the most. Reason being. a) I loved getting drenched in rain b) Its the day when the strength of students in class is the minimum c) Come on...no studies and full on masti!!!

While doing my morning chores all this was running through my mind and i was wondering that how the thing i used to love has transformed into something i hate. May be it was part of growing up. A thing like waking up reminded me of my childhood memories and yeah! also about Ria. She was my best friend in class 5, (but then till we pass out from school we have a different best friend in each class), and suddenly a thought came "Where on earth is she these days???" I have lost touch with her ever since Shaila became my best friend in 6th standard. Now where the hell is Shaila? Okay, its done!!! When i come back from class, I am going to locate them through one of those networking sites, staring at which consumes at least half of my working time...Gosh! how many times in a day I maximize and minimize that screen for no reason at all, refreshing it, hoping that somebody scrapped me or took notice of the catchy and witty tagline that i just put on my status message, but to my distress there are none most of the time. People have better stuff to do and not everyone is as vella as I.

Anyways, where were we? Gosh!!! Thats human mind. You start thinking about one thing and it takes you to a new world altogether that could possibly be the last thing on your mind. Now would a sane person think about orkut at 6:30 am in morning??? Its 6:30 am, for Chrissake!!!!!!!
So i got ready for my class. And lo!!! I was ready before time. Yay!!! I thought, today i am gonna reach class on time. I have been going late since last few days and when i enter the class the teacher gives me kindda look that makes me feel that I am standing in a courtroom and have been accused of the murder of his/her spouse. Nevertheless, i took off from home after having my milk and neatly wiping the line of milk from my upper lip which sometime i forget and looks like a moustache. I had to change a bus after two stops from where i take the bus to my classroom. That stop comes in less than 5 minutes. As soon as i reached the bus stand, I got a bus immediately...hmmmm...Quite lucky haan! It started.

Before we reached the first stop the speed of bus slowed. I thought its cool, not a problem, I have time to spare. Some how the bus reached the first stand and it was 10 minutes already, I still calmed myself. "Chillax Chhavi, it rained heavily yesterday so there are some water loggings, its just that. Wont take much time." We were surrounded by a number of vehicles. All people had grim expression on their faces. Students needed to go to school, people needed to go to offices. But i was still chilled out and wondering why were they so hyper tempered about it. We crossed first stop. Now between my first stop and second stop a red light comes. As soon as we crossed the first one it was all fine but little did my ignorant mind know what was lying ahead. After crossing the first stop it seemed the bus would not move. Hell!!! I uttered another series of swear words to myself. (Please forgive me Jesus) and now i realised why people around me were having expressions like that. I was stuck in "A TRAFFIC JAM" in the middle of the road. I had heard a lot about these traffic jams of Delhi but never really came across one. Just hearing those horror stories would turn my soul uncomfortably. And somehow i felt that mine was into making. There were lines and lines of vehicles all around me, in front, at the back, at right and since we were the most left i could see that even the pedestrian way was not spared by the two wheelers. That red light was like a monster and bore the brunt of all the people there. It seemed as if it was the fault of that inanimate object that we all had to suffer and it should be crucified.
I could not get down to take any auto cause all the autos were stuck with us too and moreover i could not see one anywhere nearby.

I started planning that since I would not be able to catch the bus, I will take an auto and then remembered the several times I an auto and how those guys cheated me and took few bucks extra. So i thought i would not give him a penny more than what it actually takes. Ahhhh!!!!!!! What was I thinking(human mind!!!). First let me reach the point where I can haggle. I kept sitting, making all kinds of worried expressions I could make, muttering words, rolling my bus ticket in my hand to the point that the number in it started to erase, stared at my watch for the zillionth time. It was 7:40. Now i started to fear that even if i take auto will I be able to make it??? As soon as the bus moved, my facial expression would be like some one gave me oxygen when i was getting claustrophobic and when it would stop again I would have an expression as if that red light was mocking at me and I could do nothing but get frustrated and only spew invective at it. Somehow, we crossed that red light.

I reached my stop. It was 7:55 and the class would start at 8 am. Wow!!! Now I had to make decision that whether I still want to continue my journey after those nightmarish 40 minutes of my life or I would give up. But then I dont know which damn book I read which said something about giving up as the job of losers. Sometimes giving up is the best thing to do. Saves you lot of pain actually. This attitude only brought me to this end of the red light. So I thought of giving it a chance but God had different plans for me. All the strategies I had developed on how to haggle with the autowallah had come to nothing. I was ready to go at any cost. I kept waving at autos but it seemed as if they were the busiest personalities today and you should have taken an appointment before. Noone would stop. Just a couple of them stopped. I said "Bhaiya, CP??" and they ran away as if I was asking them to go to hell. Again a few swear words(this time in my mind). It looked, a damsel was in distress waiting for her knight to come in a horse wearing his shining armor. But the irony was this time noone came to the rescue of the damsel(Of course, the damsel is me...duh!!!) and that the knight was an auto wallah(bu hu hu hu), in place of horse it was an auto and the armor was replaced by his sweaty clothes.

I decided to return home. I had to cross the road to get on the other side. I decided to take the subway since crossing the road with vehicles coming and going has been my Achille's heel(otherwise toh i am perfect..hehehe). When I entered the subway it was water clogged!!!!By this time you would have guessed what my first reaction was...Bingo!!! I again muttered a few words not supposed to be said in public. I folded my jeans and dragged my self through that muddy water. I reached the stand somehow. and guess what i had to cover the same journey again that i had just gone through to get back to home. Can you imagine!!!!!! But the only difference was that i did not have to reach on time anywhere. Finally after a few utterances of my favourite words of the morning, I was back home.

Where I am?

"The moment a little boy is concerned with which is a jay and which is a sparrow, he can no longer see the birds or hear them sing."

Iris, this girl in my college. Man! she is some person. Top to bottom as if when she was being created God was way too happy that He was creating her. She has it all, the looks, the brains, the elegance of a feminine, the charisma and the attitude to carry it all. She got it all too. The scores, the dates, the men, the fame. She has perfect charm, chiselled cheekbone, red lips, blue eyes as clear as water, voice like rain falling on tinshade, silky smooth skin, and a height to carry it all. She is this girl what every girl craves to be, like this star that is beautiful but can never be owned. To all she is this tough, not vulnerable, flawless, perfectionist, one who cannot do anything wrong, as if she is blessed. She plays the game called life and never loses. She hates losing. Emotionally challenged she was called but it did not matter to her. People could not digest it because they knew she is kindda person who would not show any unnecessary emotions to every Tom, Dick or Harry. You had to earn her friendship, her emotions, her feelings for you. Like it or hate it. It did not matter to her, cause you did not matter to her.

She did all in her life but one thing, complaint. She would never complaint or crib for anything. If things were not according to her in life she would make them happen for her. If ocean would not give her water, she would bend it by its neck and fetch the crystal clear water. She earned it.

I am her only friend. I have always wanted to be like her, reaching to the heights she has reached. I look upto her. She doesnot look upto anybody, shes her own role model. Even boys look upto her, many keep their romantic feelings for her inside their hearts, they are too scared to divulge anything, they think they would end up making a fool of themselves. Not their fault in thinking so. She has this aura which is difficult to penetrate. Its not that she is snobbish or haughty, just that she knows well who she is and what she is, infact she knows it way too well. She sets her own rules but does not let them rule her, for that matter noone could rule her. Even if the world is against it, she would stand alone for whats right.She would never fall for a guy just because of the way he said hello or the way he dresses or smiles at her. Wearing the most fashionable outfit wont do her any good, things like this are clear in her mind so she would not go about the most trendy stuff out there. She has all the things set at correct place in her head. Yet she thinks with her heart too. She might not be her best some day but if you are off she would goto any extent to make you smile through her witty sense of humour. You cannnot hate her even if you want to, thats the thing about her. She has that effect on people. It looks she does not need anybody.

One day i visited Iris at home. Nobody was home except her maid. She told me that Iris was in her room. I headed straight towards her room. Just as I was about to knock at the door, I heard her voice talking to someone and sobbing. I stopped. That was strange as the maid had said that nobody was home. Iris was crying!!! One would never see Iris cry, Nobody could imagine Iris crying. How must she be looking, I was curious to see. As this is one sight you dont get to see everyday. She would never cry in front of anybody. She is supposed to be this tough and impenetrable person. I just opened the door a bit just to see who she was talking to. There was noone in the room. Strange!!! But i had heard her talking. Oh! may be she saw me and asked the person to hide as she would never let anyone see anything that would make her weak. She would never come to you with her set of problems and emotions. Not that shes snobbish or something but shes way too tough. But no, she did not see me even. She was still sitting there. And then i realized who she was talking to. It was her favourite stuffed toy Zuala, the bear. She hugged it and had her face buried into its arms and was crying. Then she lifted her face and started speaking again and then I witnessed the words, I had never imagined would be falling into my ears, firsthand.

She hugged that animated object and shared the heart of a girl, with an audience that would never respond to her but would just only smile back as her consolation prize.She started "Zuala, mum again asked me about my engineering studies, why does not she let me be. I know what i want out of life and I am going about it. Everybody out there thinks i am this tough, supa dupa girl for whom nothing goes wrong but I feel the pain too, I bleed too when it cuts, I have my set of fears. U know I never told anyone but I get scared of lizards and frogs, they give me this creepy feeling. All my life i wanted to achieve this perfection that almost everybody dreams of but seldom achieves, I got it too but why does it feel so empty? Why cant I have anyone who could tell by just that smile on my face that something is wrong? Why cannot i behave like normal girls, go out and wear my red shorts with blue shirt? Why is it that whenever I do something then I have this pressure on my head that it all has to be correct and I cannot be anything less than perfect cause thats how I am supposed to be? When I wanted to be this perfect being, totally flawless then why is it that when I have achieved it then there is emptiness thats filling me and killing me softly? Why do i have to be this tough girl always? I also wish to gossip with girls my age about that guy in class who had this sexy smile and was trying to hit on me but backed out. Only i know how bad i felt when i saw him the next week with a friend of mine(that friend happened to be me). I want to go out in town, have fun, shout at the top of my lungs, sing with the karaoke. Why dont they let me be a 20 year old? I did it all to be what i am today. Had sleepless nights, studied even if my eyes would give way, worked my heart out and when the fruits are all in front of me then why dont i have the courage now to lift my hand and pick it up? I was too busy, in fact, to watch out for what i was losing in the process. I was losing me. I dont know what girl i would have been had i just let me be myself. Why does winning bores me now?

Eveybody wants to be this tough and hardcore. I achieved it but little did I know the price I was paying. Thats why everyone cannot achieve it. They cannot pay the price. I forgot the life beyond Newton's three laws. I feel guilty when they call me tough and hardcore now, because I know I am not. I am, in fact, worse. I dont have the courage to show it in front of them. They accept what they are, I have always denied it in my life what I actually am. So i went on to become this "perfectionist". I was scared to show that I am "ordinary". Thats why I strived to be perfect.I have escaped from things all my life. Now Newton's three laws are not enough for me. I had overlooked the laws of life.If all that i got was supposed to make me happy then why am I feeling like this on my last day? I want to be innocent again, feel the highs and lows like it used to feel when I used to climb swings.

All my life I had acted to be someone i was not, pretend to face the problems that never existed and shunning the problems that were coming to me head on, but i want the real self now, I crave to be me. Not as a role model, not as some one people look forward to but as a 20 yr old who is allowed to be incorrect, who has got the right to commit few mistakes, who just lives next door.I am also human being and not a machine. Emotionally challenged as I may seem but I also have a heart of a 20 year old girl. But i guess its a bit late now, the lie has become a fact now after saying it too many times, I have already paid too much a price. I dont know how much it would take to be that little girl again. Now the price to give back for what I have already paid would be bigger I guess and I might not be able to carry the weight of it. I have realized that I have already become too weak..I dont have more courage left in me. I want to relax now. I am too tired. The fairy tales are meant only for fairies, that no matter how long i grow my hair no prince would climb it to get me, that if i leave my shoes in any party, they would only get stolen and no prince would come and find me to free me from my wicked step mother cause these tales exist only in books."And she kept on crying.

I left her house. On the way back i had her words echoing in my head, I wished that whatever I had just heard was a dream and soon I would wake up. But I knew it wasnt. What I had witnessed, had just happened. Oh my god!!! how is it possible???? Iris!!! she is not supposed to be this way, I was seeing my dreams, aspirations and insiprations shattered with each tear she had dropped, for she was my role model, my feet were not gaining strength.Next day I went to college, wondering how would I face her. But thankfully I did not have to. She was not there in college. But where is she? She never misses college, even if shes ill and bunking is something you could never expect her to do. Then where is she??Suddenly i saw this great mob at notice board and all these grim expressions on everybodys face. I was perplexed thats what is happening. I came closer to board and saw Iris's pic on the notice board and beneath it an obituary. She is no more. She was found dead in her room last night.I was finding it hard to breathe. People were coming to me asking me what could have happened and I just looked at their faces, blank. What was happening??????? And then suddenly the words echoed in my head "If all that I got was supposed to make me happy then why am i feeling like this on my last day? "...LAST DAY!!!!!!!!!I could never tell anyone what had happened yesterday. I wanted Iris to be remembered as people knew her. THE UNACHIEVABLE!!!