I am not fine anymore...

I am not fine anymore...


I am fighting a fight within myself.


I am fighting to keep the memories that are just passing by.


I am fighting to remember the look in your eyes.


I am fighting to keep my palms moist of the sweat when we were holding hands.


I am fighting to keep myself one piece when your memories are tearing me apart.


I am fighting not to be with you.


When you asked me to go, it was you who never left.


When I am all alone, I say things to you that you may never hear.


We had so many beautiful memories, but the only memory left with me is when you were going away.


I want to hate you,


I shout at you while I am vacuuming my house.


I don't feel you anymore, even if you are like this storm inside me.


I will wait for you forever, but I wish that you never come back.


I know I will never be fine anymore.

The girl in yellow slippers

She is a nice girl.
She loves to play guitar.
She is pretty.
She climbs two steps at a time.
She walks straight into the puddles of water and not around them.
She stops to give alms to the old man on the sidewalk.
She loves rain.
Her mother cooks cereal for her every morning.
She puts on her jeans and goes to college every day. She loves it.
She has crush on a guy in her class who steals a glance at her when she is not noticing.
She hates make up.
She hates long nails.
She likes to dress casual.
She loves her younger sister.
She cries a bucketful everytime she watches 'Titanic'.
Her favourite romantic movie is "When Harry met Sally".
She can listen to Whitney Houston and Adele all night long.
She's crazy about Michael Jackson and cried her eyes out the day he died.
She likes to write in her diary and keeps it locked.
She comes back from college at 7 in the evening.
She puts on heavy makeup.
She puts on long artificial nails.
She puts on a revealing dress.
She goes to a place where she is welcomed and noone looks at her peculiarly.
There is a different man waiting for her this time.
He is the English professor from her college.
She won't be able to go to college from tomorrow.
She will never be able to see the guy she had crush on.
She is the girl in yellow slippers.

100 things that make me happy...

My DayZero project(101 things to do in 1001 days) required me to jot down one hundred things that make me happy. Also I need to update my blog every month for the same. So i gave it a thought and decided that the next blog would be 100 things that make me happy. Some are personal so I may not write them all here but deep inside i know it. Here we go, in no particular order:

1) My family. Well whose doesn't. My mum, dad, sisters and bro can make me happy anytime I see them.
2) Anything about my niece. Prettiest face in the world. Anything she does and says is soooo cute.
3) Rain. Dancing in the rain or just standing under rain or sitting by my window watching it rain..makes me glee even when I am very upset.
4) Read. Gives me immense satisfaction.
5) Write about anything and everything.(yeee...happy right now ;))
6) Play guitar. I am starting to learn and enjoying every bit.
7) Watching sitcoms on my machine.
8) Winters. Love 'em. The layers of clothes and the cozy feeling inside them.
9) Loving someone.
10) Being loved.
11) Bringing smile on kids' faces.
12) Teaching slum kids.
13) When I am hugged when I need it the most.
14) Day dreaming.
15) Follow my dreams.
16) Getting the solution of a problem.
17) Being appreciated.
18) A name flashes on my cell phone when I least expect it and most want it.
19) Competing for something i really want.
20) Whenever I see Sachin Tendulkar play. :)
21) Surprises.
22) Being with my friends.
23) Adventure things. Except for heights, bring it on!
24) Travelling, BIG TIME.
25) Follow what my heart says.
26) Dangerous swings. It shit scares me but it satiates the adventure freak inside me.
27) The feeling when I ask some questions to my teachers and they get confused and cannot answer me back.
28) Being there for my friends and family.
29) Remembering old fond memories when I go to bed and close my eyes to sleep.
30) Meeting a stranger I may never meet again and having a real good and interesting conversation with her/him.
31) Learning new things.
32) Doing new things.
33) Pregnant women..They are so pretty.
34) Seeing old pictures.
35) Playing childhood games.
36) Conversing with my sisters.
37) Planning for next trip with friends.
38) Finding money in old bag or jeans pocket.
39) Opening gift wraps. The gift doesn't excite me.The surprise element is the thrill.
40) Seeing cookery and travel shows. Ironically I hate cooking but love watching shows.
41) Listening to my favourite playlist of songs.
42) Sitting alone and thinking.
43) The travel time from home to office and the way back. It's almost three hours a day. That's when I am all by myself. I gaze out of the window into nowhere. Love it.
44) When a friend who I had a fight with texts me that she/ he missed me.
45) Being in the most comfortable clothes.
46) Enjoying things in the moment without caring who is watching.
47) Jumping straight into the puddles of mud and not going around them.
48) Letters.(on paper not emails)
49) Doing forbidden things.
50) Singing my fav songs on top of my lungs. I like to know the lyrics of the songs and then sing along.(at times in my worst possible voice..come on..it is fun!! Don't ask me to sing in public though ;))
51) Anything creative I did.
52) Hand-made gifts. Not the expensive ones from markets. Anything you make me by giving it some thought.
53) Exploring new places. I love visiting historical places in Delhi and know the history behind them.
54) Long drive from Dehradun to Mussoorie.
55) Birthday and Birthday cakes ^_^
56) Long walks in a romantic weather. especially walking bare foot on wet grass.
57) Jelly kind toffees.
58) Getting calls from long lost friends unexpectedly.
59) Reading old text messages or emails.
60) Dancing.
61) Moon-lit and starry night.(I can stare at the moon for the entire night)
62) Cool breeze.
63) Holding hands.
64) Eating good food. (I am not a foodie though)
65) Smiles
66) PJs.
67) When someone understands me especially when I am not using words.
68) Journeys
69) Real things and real people.
70) Someone appreciates and smiles back when I help.
71) A good night sleep when I have worked my ass out the whole day.
72) Knowing that I did something constructive and meaningful in the day.
73) Small small kids' stuff esp their fingers...awww..they are so small!!
74) Anything that has wings, except the aeroplane.:-|
75) Something I cooked tasted perfect.
76) Motorcycle rides.
77)Meeting a friend after a long time and realize that we pick up from exactly where we left.
78) Finding that last piece of cake still there when I arrive in the evening.
79) Live shows and concerts.
80) Putting head outside the window of the car with eyes closed on a cool breezy day.
81) Nice haircut.
82) When my birthday falls on Saturday or Sunday in a year.
83) Knowing the answers to KBC question or any kindda quiz for that matter.
84) Coming home after a long day and smell something nice cooking in the kitchen.
85) When i wake up in the morning and realize that I can sleep for 10 more minutes..best feeling ever!
86) India winning a crucial match..in fact any match.
87) Stumble upon a show/ song of my choice while surfing TV/ radio.
88) Fast computer and fast internet
89) Magics of nature.
90) Boss relieves me early for the day.
91) Suddenly finding a thing that I had been looking for since a long time.
91) When I win any match or prize. (Who doesn't like winning ;))
92) Watching movie with my friends, all huddled up in one small bed.
93) Waking up in the morning with a smile on my face cause i just had a perfect dream.
94) Expressing myself. It is a very tough job for me.
95) When someone gets the spelling of my name right in first go. ;)
96) Seeing old people still in love and holding hands. :)
97) Singing national anthem on top of my lungs.
98) 3 a.m. conversation with best friend.
99) Rainbows.
100) Crossing things out of my To-do list ;)

 Wow!!! that was tough and easy. Initially it took me a lot of thinking and I was surprised that are there so less things that make me happy. But as I progressed I realized that I could just keep writing and never stop. Infact, there are more things that can make me happy apart from the list above, some personal too that I haven't mentioned here.
The most wonderful part of it all is that it ain't the larger than life things that make us happy(at least I can say that for myself), but the small small things, thoughts etc. And it is so easy to achieve, they are right in front of our eyes. But then anything that is too close to our eyes seems hazy and blurred. The thing is to improve the focus on the right things.

Stay happy always!!! :)

Life gets in the way of living...

Sometimes I want to write to you,
but the words get in the way of writing.

Sometimes I want to talk to you,

but the sentences get in the way of saying.

Sometimes I want to hug you,
but the hands get in the way of hugging.

Sometimes I want to touch you,
but the fingers get in the way of touching.

Sometimes I think about you,
but the thoughts get in the way of thinking.

Sometimes I want to love you,
but the love gets in the way of loving.

Sometimes I want to learn from you,
but the things already learnt get in the way of learning.

I don't know why it is so Mum and Daddy,
when we got drifted apart,
I guess life came in the way of living!

Open letter to PM

< While coming back from office today, I was listening to the radio. There was this funny guy on one of the stations who had something to say to the PM and man! was he hilarious? 

I manage to remember a few of his jokes and added a couple of quips of mine to write an "Open" letter to the PM. I wish i could remember all he said.Just to be clear, the ideas and statements here are not all mine.
Hope you find it hilarious as well. And all in good humor, nothing personal>

Here it goes,

 
आदरणीय "मौन" मोहन सिंह जी,
मूक ऑफिस,
खामोश गली,
सौ साल पुरानी दिल्ली -01|

रात को आपके आर्डर पे, अरे नहीं नहीं ऐसा मज़ाक आपसे नहीं करते, किसी फौरेन एक्सेंट में आये आर्डर पे, पुलिस  वालों  का ऐसा आम आदमी यानि की  Mango man पे लाठीचार्ज करना "ये अच्छी बात नहीं है"|

कल जो डांडिया उन्होंने लोगों के साथ खेला है उससे उनकी आशाएं, पंडाल और पैर, सब तोड़ दिए गए |
और ये बात समझ नहीं आई की पुलिसवालों की रात को आने की क्या वजह थी, दिन में ऐसी कौनसी UV किरणों का उन्हें खतरा था या sun-tanning के डर से वे रात में आये | वैसे कौनसा बड़ा चाँद जैसा खिलते हैं वो | कोई भी fair एंड unhandsome क्रीम लगा के आ जाते जिसमे SPF above 40 होता तो भी काम बन जाता और हमारी, वहां present लोगों की, उनकी खुद की भी नींद खराब नहीं होती या आपकी पुलिस में batman हैं जो सिर्फ रात में ही निकलते हैं | 

कल उन्होंने जो tear gas के गोले mango people पर फेंके हैं उनसे वो mango से mosquito बन गए थे और mosquito की ही तरह आनन् फानन में तितर बितर हो गए | उस गैस की वजह से निकले आंसू दिन भर हमारी आँखों से निकलते रहे जब इन टीवी चैनल वालों ने बाबा के हाई जम्प का footage तेरह  हज़ार नौ सौ पांच बार दिखा दिखा कर हमें "मार डाला, अल्लाह, मार डाला" |

पर फिर भी आपके "लबों से लबों तक " एक भी शब्द नहीं फूटा और कपालभारती सिब्बल, दुशासन, धनुरासन और पता नहीं कितने आसनों ने कल से जो ज़हर टीवी पे डाला है उसका diarrhea सारे न्यूज़ चैनल वालों में फ़ैल गया है, जिसके चलते हर गली, गूचे और नुक्कड़ के प्रोफेस्सर इन टीवी चैनलों की शोभा डे बढाने ना जाने कहाँ कहाँ से आ रहे हैं और असली issue से तो divert कर-कर के कर-कर के  ये भी भुला दिया की असली issue क्या था | बाबा रामदेव इस बात से  especially नाराज़ हैं | पहले अन्ना हजारे जी ने भी ऐसा ही किया उनके साथ, उनकी limelight छीन ली, जिसके चलते ये पूरा ड्रामा शुरू हुआ | और अन्ना हजारे जी की बात आ ही गई है तो ये बताइए की  जब वे अपने supporters के साथ जंतर मंतर पे "हम्मा हम्मा " कर रहे थे तब भी आपका मौन व्रत नहीं टूटा, "मौन" मोहन सिंह जी | In fact, ये जो नया फैशन आया है fast रखने का इसके trend-setter तो आप ही हैं , जब सात साल पहले आपने एक मौन व्रत रखा था जो by god की कसम आज तक नहीं टूटा...क्या determination है..वाह |

हम सोचते ही रह गए की इस बार तो इस नीले आसमान के नीचे, किसी नीली पगड़ी के अन्दर के कुछ विचार हमें सुने को मिलेंगे या और कुछ नहीं तो कोई Italian, हिंदी में translated speech, पढ़ते हुए नज़र आएँगी पर इस बार तो ऐसा भी कुछ नहीं हुआ |

और हाँ, आशा है इन सब बातों का आप बुरा नहीं मानेंगे |
अंत में एक responsible भारतीय नागरिक होने के नाते एक suggestion देना चाहूँगा, की इस बार ओलिम्पिक्स  में भेजने के लिए  बाबा रामदेव के रूप में आपको एक नया उभरता सितारा मिल गया है ...इस पूरे घटना क्रम में एक positive बात तो  उभर के आई है की हाई जम्प में गोल्ड मेडल भारत से कोई नहीं छीन सकता इस बार| सुना है कल बाबा जी बेबी की तरह पंद्रह फीट नीचे कूद गए | :-o

अंत में यही बोलना चाहूँगा की "बोलने से नहीं होता,करने से होता है "| पर आपके केस में तो आप बोलते भी नहीं हैं.. :(

आपका आभारी,
आम आदमी,
The Mango man.
दिल्ली-06

A thought...

A moon that won't set,
A sun that won't rise.
A dream with open eyes met,
A sad demise.

A perpetual love.
A perpetual pain.
A perpetual question in my heart
that remains.
 
A blurred photo,
A lasting memory.
A forgotten song,
A lasting symphony.

A crumbling rose,
A lasting fragrancy.
A torn card,
A lasting poetry.

A past that won't leave,
A present that is left to grieve,
A future that has already left,
A time that is bereft.

A flame inside my heart,

A destiny within my hand.

A light between my fingers,

A wrath within my eyes.

But...

A hope that can't be choked,
A love that won't lie,
A dream that won't give up,
A spirit  that won't die.

Life...As I will make it!

I am Chhavi Negi. I am 25 and like any other 25 year-old, I think the world is my oyster and like any other 25-year old, I think my best days are going by and I am not able to do anything. It is a weird feeling being 25. You just hit the quarter century and if you "plan" on to live a 100 years then one-fourth of your life is over before you even realized it.

 You start thinking "What do I want?" "What have I done till now!" "How do I get what I want"? And then starts the series of turbulent thoughts, the planning of what course to take now, the analysis of the options available, the TO-DO lists etcetra etcetra. But did you ever think that till school you didn't have much of a life, per se. It is mostly teachers, parents, tutors, principals, elder brother sisters to look forward to, who tell you what you should think and do. Till 18 you see the life from some one else's point of view.

You have to study cause your brother is in IIT and you are expected to carry on the family tradition!
You cannot have a night out at a friend's place if he is a guy cause, umm.... actually i haven't been able to understand this till date, why?
You cannot kiss a guy. What if you get preggers? :-o
You cannot talk about sex, cause hello! it is a hush hush subject as your parents think it is a taboo.

 And only when you come out of that shell, do you get to see the world through your eyes, form your own opinions, frame your own choices. And that's when my friend, the real life has begun for you, the life as you will choose it, the life as you will mould it.
You know you never wanted to get into IIT but into photography classes. And that's what you gonna do now.
You can stay at a guy's place cause you know he is a friend and it is okay to stay at a friend's place, boy or girl.
You have gained enough knowledge that kissing doesn't cause pregnancy.
And it is okay to talk about sex cause in a few years you are going to get married or get laid(in a crude way of saying it).

So technically speaking you have lived what, just seven years of your life!!! Out of which three to four went into college, when you were getting, ummm...what shall I say, trained for the life ahead. You have the whole life in front of you. And if you are "waiting" for your life to begin then you are the biggest fool on earth.

I am not here to find myself. How can I find a thing which is not even created yet? I am here to create myself.
And in the process of creating myself I don't wanna put some deadline in front of me that by 25 I should have a proper job. By 30 I should be married. By 33 I should have two kids. Gosh! It is my life for chrissake not some time bomb that I am sitting on. I can go to a college at the age of 28 if I want. Simply cause I want to.

"Simply paying the bills and living isn't sufficient"

I feel that my better days are coming ahead. I know I will be a Superstar in my own life. Life as I will make it! :)

And as the popstar Pink would say it:

"Made a wrong turn, once or twice. 

Dug my way out, blood and fire. 
Bad decisions, that's alright. 
Welcome to my silly life."