"The moment a little boy is concerned with which is a jay and which is a sparrow, he can no longer see the birds or hear them sing."
Iris, this girl in my college. Man! she is some person. Top to bottom as if when she was being created God was way too happy that He was creating her. She has it all, the looks, the brains, the elegance of a feminine, the charisma and the attitude to carry it all. She got it all too. The scores, the dates, the men, the fame. She has perfect charm, chiselled cheekbone, red lips, blue eyes as clear as water, voice like rain falling on tinshade, silky smooth skin, and a height to carry it all. She is this girl what every girl craves to be, like this star that is beautiful but can never be owned. To all she is this tough, not vulnerable, flawless, perfectionist, one who cannot do anything wrong, as if she is blessed. She plays the game called life and never loses. She hates losing. Emotionally challenged she was called but it did not matter to her. People could not digest it because they knew she is kindda person who would not show any unnecessary emotions to every Tom, Dick or Harry. You had to earn her friendship, her emotions, her feelings for you. Like it or hate it. It did not matter to her, cause you did not matter to her.
She did all in her life but one thing, complaint. She would never complaint or crib for anything. If things were not according to her in life she would make them happen for her. If ocean would not give her water, she would bend it by its neck and fetch the crystal clear water. She earned it.
I am her only friend. I have always wanted to be like her, reaching to the heights she has reached. I look upto her. She doesnot look upto anybody, shes her own role model. Even boys look upto her, many keep their romantic feelings for her inside their hearts, they are too scared to divulge anything, they think they would end up making a fool of themselves. Not their fault in thinking so. She has this aura which is difficult to penetrate. Its not that she is snobbish or haughty, just that she knows well who she is and what she is, infact she knows it way too well. She sets her own rules but does not let them rule her, for that matter noone could rule her. Even if the world is against it, she would stand alone for whats right.She would never fall for a guy just because of the way he said hello or the way he dresses or smiles at her. Wearing the most fashionable outfit wont do her any good, things like this are clear in her mind so she would not go about the most trendy stuff out there. She has all the things set at correct place in her head. Yet she thinks with her heart too. She might not be her best some day but if you are off she would goto any extent to make you smile through her witty sense of humour. You cannnot hate her even if you want to, thats the thing about her. She has that effect on people. It looks she does not need anybody.
One day i visited Iris at home. Nobody was home except her maid. She told me that Iris was in her room. I headed straight towards her room. Just as I was about to knock at the door, I heard her voice talking to someone and sobbing. I stopped. That was strange as the maid had said that nobody was home. Iris was crying!!! One would never see Iris cry, Nobody could imagine Iris crying. How must she be looking, I was curious to see. As this is one sight you dont get to see everyday. She would never cry in front of anybody. She is supposed to be this tough and impenetrable person. I just opened the door a bit just to see who she was talking to. There was noone in the room. Strange!!! But i had heard her talking. Oh! may be she saw me and asked the person to hide as she would never let anyone see anything that would make her weak. She would never come to you with her set of problems and emotions. Not that shes snobbish or something but shes way too tough. But no, she did not see me even. She was still sitting there. And then i realized who she was talking to. It was her favourite stuffed toy Zuala, the bear. She hugged it and had her face buried into its arms and was crying. Then she lifted her face and started speaking again and then I witnessed the words, I had never imagined would be falling into my ears, firsthand.
She hugged that animated object and shared the heart of a girl, with an audience that would never respond to her but would just only smile back as her consolation prize.She started "Zuala, mum again asked me about my engineering studies, why does not she let me be. I know what i want out of life and I am going about it. Everybody out there thinks i am this tough, supa dupa girl for whom nothing goes wrong but I feel the pain too, I bleed too when it cuts, I have my set of fears. U know I never told anyone but I get scared of lizards and frogs, they give me this creepy feeling. All my life i wanted to achieve this perfection that almost everybody dreams of but seldom achieves, I got it too but why does it feel so empty? Why cant I have anyone who could tell by just that smile on my face that something is wrong? Why cannot i behave like normal girls, go out and wear my red shorts with blue shirt? Why is it that whenever I do something then I have this pressure on my head that it all has to be correct and I cannot be anything less than perfect cause thats how I am supposed to be? When I wanted to be this perfect being, totally flawless then why is it that when I have achieved it then there is emptiness thats filling me and killing me softly? Why do i have to be this tough girl always? I also wish to gossip with girls my age about that guy in class who had this sexy smile and was trying to hit on me but backed out. Only i know how bad i felt when i saw him the next week with a friend of mine(that friend happened to be me). I want to go out in town, have fun, shout at the top of my lungs, sing with the karaoke. Why dont they let me be a 20 year old? I did it all to be what i am today. Had sleepless nights, studied even if my eyes would give way, worked my heart out and when the fruits are all in front of me then why dont i have the courage now to lift my hand and pick it up? I was too busy, in fact, to watch out for what i was losing in the process. I was losing me. I dont know what girl i would have been had i just let me be myself. Why does winning bores me now?
Eveybody wants to be this tough and hardcore. I achieved it but little did I know the price I was paying. Thats why everyone cannot achieve it. They cannot pay the price. I forgot the life beyond Newton's three laws. I feel guilty when they call me tough and hardcore now, because I know I am not. I am, in fact, worse. I dont have the courage to show it in front of them. They accept what they are, I have always denied it in my life what I actually am. So i went on to become this "perfectionist". I was scared to show that I am "ordinary". Thats why I strived to be perfect.I have escaped from things all my life. Now Newton's three laws are not enough for me. I had overlooked the laws of life.If all that i got was supposed to make me happy then why am I feeling like this on my last day? I want to be innocent again, feel the highs and lows like it used to feel when I used to climb swings.
All my life I had acted to be someone i was not, pretend to face the problems that never existed and shunning the problems that were coming to me head on, but i want the real self now, I crave to be me. Not as a role model, not as some one people look forward to but as a 20 yr old who is allowed to be incorrect, who has got the right to commit few mistakes, who just lives next door.I am also human being and not a machine. Emotionally challenged as I may seem but I also have a heart of a 20 year old girl. But i guess its a bit late now, the lie has become a fact now after saying it too many times, I have already paid too much a price. I dont know how much it would take to be that little girl again. Now the price to give back for what I have already paid would be bigger I guess and I might not be able to carry the weight of it. I have realized that I have already become too weak..I dont have more courage left in me. I want to relax now. I am too tired. The fairy tales are meant only for fairies, that no matter how long i grow my hair no prince would climb it to get me, that if i leave my shoes in any party, they would only get stolen and no prince would come and find me to free me from my wicked step mother cause these tales exist only in books."And she kept on crying.
I left her house. On the way back i had her words echoing in my head, I wished that whatever I had just heard was a dream and soon I would wake up. But I knew it wasnt. What I had witnessed, had just happened. Oh my god!!! how is it possible???? Iris!!! she is not supposed to be this way, I was seeing my dreams, aspirations and insiprations shattered with each tear she had dropped, for she was my role model, my feet were not gaining strength.Next day I went to college, wondering how would I face her. But thankfully I did not have to. She was not there in college. But where is she? She never misses college, even if shes ill and bunking is something you could never expect her to do. Then where is she??Suddenly i saw this great mob at notice board and all these grim expressions on everybodys face. I was perplexed thats what is happening. I came closer to board and saw Iris's pic on the notice board and beneath it an obituary. She is no more. She was found dead in her room last night.I was finding it hard to breathe. People were coming to me asking me what could have happened and I just looked at their faces, blank. What was happening??????? And then suddenly the words echoed in my head "If all that I got was supposed to make me happy then why am i feeling like this on my last day? "...LAST DAY!!!!!!!!!I could never tell anyone what had happened yesterday. I wanted Iris to be remembered as people knew her. THE UNACHIEVABLE!!!
